Womze - Cross Cultural Parenting

After a more-than-six-month hiatus from Karate, I’m trying to get Darling Angel back on track.  Unfortunately, the school she used to go to is no longer as logistically convenient as it used to be.  When it was across the street from the daycare I used to pick Darling Angel up from after work, going there was a no-brainer.  Now, it would require some commitment.

Fortunately, there’s another school that lies somewhere along the path between Darling Angel’s school and home.  That’s convenient, I thought.  I love convenient.  And after several months of thinking that thought, I eventually stopped over last week.  (It’s been extremely cold for most of those several months)

We got a tour of the facility.  Fine.  Then we got to the fees.  Ouch!

It wasn’t terribly more expensive, but they don’t let you pay for one day per week.  You have to pay for the full 3 days per week and come as often as you wish.  We used to pay for one day per week at the previous school.

“You can’t get good at anything you only practice one day a week”, said the owner.  I know that, but I am kind of okay with just being ’so so’ at karate.  My main goal is to get the side benefits (confidence etc) with proficiency in the art as an add-on.  I know…I’ve got it in reverse, but I’m fine with that.

I also started to think of the other activities we need to fit in somewhere.  We need to get on top of swimming.  Room for homework must not be compromised.  “Three days a week?” I asked the instructor.  “I’m not sure we’re ready for that level of commitment.” 

“Then perhaps this is not for you”,  he responded.

Perhaps he’s right.

But I put in a little bit of effort.  And suggested my daughter try out a class.  Then I learned one more thing that makes me hesitate.  Parents are not allowed to watch!

I left with my doubts.  So I talked to a colleague who’s son is a black-belter and she’s had experience with a number of karate schools.  She told me it wasn’t uncommon for parents not to be allowed in the room, but should be allowed to watch through a window.  She told me she always watched when her son was that young.  Darling Angel is six years old.  I can’t depend 100% on her judgement of the class.  I need to be able to make an independent judgement.

When we turn up for the trial class, I tell the owner that I intend to watch.  “No!”  “That’s my rule.  No!”  Then, “What part of NO don’t you understand?”  I wonder if being a former national champion explains the arrogance.

Darling Angel has taken the trial class.  But I am none the wiser.  Of course, she didn’t think the class was great as she was probably the least competent in class.  I tell her that it takes time to come up to speed and we should try it for a month to see if she likes it more.  She agrees, but I still wonder if this is the right school for her.  I don’t think so.

Darling Angel is not a karate person.  It’s something her dad and I are foistering on her to roughen her soft edges just a little.  So I don’t think she needs it multiple times a week.  I doubt if martial art competence is something she would desire.  When she does, commiting to a serious class schedule makes sense.  And I remain completely uncomfortable with the idea of not being able to watch her in class.  The fact that it is absolutely ruled out just makes me uncomfortable.

I think it’s time to reconsider the less logistically convenient option.

“I’m tired of not going to karate class”, wailed Darling Angel this evening on the way home.  Did I hear right?

“You don’t want to go”, I asked as I turned down the music volume so I could hear her better.

“No mommy!  I’m tired of NOT going to karate class”.

The last class was barely a week ago, one where she pouted her lips and refused to participate in the circuit - sommersault, punch, kick cycle.  She does like to show off her karate uniform but she’s never been impatient for a class.  In fact, I was close to deciding that karate was just not her thing, that she’s only learning to tolerate it and we would only stick it out until we had exhausted the classes we paid for.  So what’s happening?

Last week she couldn’t sommersault.  And now she can.

But that does illustrate an issue we need to overcome.  Rather than pout and shake her head vigorously, she should just step up and give it a try.

To her credit, she did give it a try in the safety of home.  In private.  I can understand the desire to practice in private and avoid making a fool of yourself.  Now that she’s mastered the art of sommersaulting, she can’t wait to show it off. 

But how do I teach my daughter how to step up and take on unfamiliar challenges rather than retreating?  Last night I read an article on the Cultivate Greatness blog that provides an answer.  It claims, based on a study done at the New York public school system, that children who are praised for their intelligence may be unwilling to take on challenges, unwilling to step out of their comfort zone and afraid of proving those that believe in their intelligence wrong.  Children who are praised for their effort on the other hand, rise up to challenges and are thus more likely to succeed than than those praised for intelligence. 

Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.

My kid is smart and I’ve told her numerous times.  Her dad has done the same.  Now, I can’t help worrying.  Have we done too much intelligence-praising?  Have we praised her enough for making an effort or do we simply tell her she’s smart? 

I’m glad I came across the article and I will apply its concept, I will from now on, place more emphasis on effort versus intelligence.  The article is based on research, but even without looking at that, the logic of it makes perfect sense.  I can identify with it, as one who refused to participate in debates or competitions when I was primary school because I had a ‘reputation’ to preserve.  I passed up many opportunities to improve myself and grow but fortunately, there were many others that were forced upon me, thus saving me from the pit of underperformance.

Last week, I was ready to throw in the Karate towel but quitting was not an option.  After six weeks of classes, Darling Angel had gone from ‘barely participating’ to worse.  “They all take a few classes to get used to it”, other parents said to me.  But in their minds, I could hear them thinking, “This is more than a few classes, thank God we didn’t have to this problem”.

“At least she’s not crying”, I console myself.  “That’s improving, right?”  I remember the first class. She joined in the warm-up exercises and showed off her jumping jacks but When it came to karate moves, my daughter was in tears.  Or was that the second class?  Then we had a class where there were only two kids in class.  She seemed to have a lot of fun in that one.  Then another class where nobody else showed up.  She got some one-on-one time and and actually moved her lips as the sensei chanted the Japanese numbers. 

After that I thought we were on an improvement trend. But at the next class, she stays rooted to one spot, feet planted firmly and one finger checking out her teeth while others respond to the sensei’s instructions.  “At least she’s not crying”, I console myself again.  In fact, last week, she looked happy.  She had developed a magnetic attraction for the pillar in the center of the dojo and appeared to be playing “hide” without the “seek” from the rest of the class.  It took a lot of self restraint for me to keep from yanking her from the pillar and giving her a good shake.  At least, that was what I imagined doing but was busy holding onto a wiggling Baby Brother and listening to another mother telling me to “give her time, they all go through that”. 

“Are you being shy”, the sensei asked her.  She peeked out from behind the pillar to nod her head and ducked right back.  She told me after the class, “I was just being shy today, mommy”.  I was too upset to respond. 

How do you deal with a child that’s just unwilling to try something because she doesn’t think she’s good at it?  How do you convince her that she needs to PRACTICE before she gets good?  Do I praise her efforts in watching the class, “yay! you’re the best watcher”, “yay, you didn’t cry”, or do I give her marching orders?  I’m upset especially because I know what she’s thinking…it’s what I would have been thinking at her age.  So I wanted to yell at her, take away TV or something else of value unless she takes part in the class.  But I knew that tact may fail (even worsen the situation), so I tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal.  I reminded her of the times she participated. 

I told her how good she was at the things she had participated in. I pointed out how much fun the others were having.  I commented on the kid who couldn’t do the sommersault but rolled over on her side instead. I even pointed out how Baby Brother would never have learned how to walk if he hadn’t kept practicing and we laughed at how often he fell.  She reminded me that she did the same thing too as a baby.

This week, I was relieved to see a remarkable change.  She was ready to participate.  She participated.  She still did not chant in Japanese like the others, but she joined in the karate moves.  As the class did their front kicks while moving across the room, she fell behind the others because when she kicked, she brought the kicking foot back to the same origination point.  I could see that she looked confused.  She wondered how the others were moving while she stayed in one place.  But she persisted.  I was so proud of her.  I felt so proud.  And I hoped she noticed me as I gave her a thumbs up and a huge smile.  This is not about karate, but about the willingness to try the unfamiliar.  And we’re doing it…yay!!!

Hubby and I decided to enroll Darling Angel in Karate class because we believe she needs the confidence building benefits of the martial arts program.  Basically, we felt we needed to do something to ’shake off this behavior’.   ‘This behavior’ is marked by whining, speaking in low tones when she needs to speak up and then crying when she isn’t heard.

Last week I told her that she would be going to Karate class.  “My friend goes to Karate mommy, but I want to go to ballet”.  I wasn’t surprised - she’s a girlie girl. 

I told her Karate was it and that it would be fun.  “But I don’t want to be hitting anybody” she said looking alarmed.  I reassured her that there would be no hitting anybody and demonstrated how she would punch in the air while I yelled “Hoo!”.  She smiled and seemed interested but she corrected me.  “In Karate, they don’t say ‘hoo’, they say ‘hiya!’.”  I agreed, and we looked forward to the first class.

We got there early.  I had picked Darling Angel and Baby Brother from the daycare and we headed to the dojo, with a stopover at Macdonalds.  We filled forms.  We were getting two free trial classes and she wore her play clothes.  Other kids arrived wearing their Karate outfits or at least, a white tshirt over the Karate pants.  One mom carried in her sleeping child and tried to rouse him for the class.  Darling Angel was excited to have new friends to play with.

The sensei kicked off the class of nine kids with a bow and asked each kid to recite their numbers.  The numbers were in Japanese or perhaps Korean (I need to find out).  Each child shouted out the numbers.  The new kids were asked to do one to ten.  Two other kids shouted one to ten.  Darling Angel, when it was her turn, stuck her little finger in her mouth, looked at her toes and whispered her numbers.

Parents sat in the back of the class and looked on at their little martial artists.  Baby Brother watched with keen interest.  They did some warmup exercises and Darling Angel appeared to be having fun.

They moved on to punches and kicks and blocking moves, with each move accompanies by a yell.  Darling Angel started to cry.  They had a water break.  I rushed over to her side to find out what the problem was.  She wasn’t quite sure.  “I want to sit down”, she said.  I told her she was free to sit on the floor or take a break whenever she wanted.  “But I don’t want to be yelling”. 

I began to think there’d be no Karate for us.  But as I thought it, I realized that the behavior she was exhiting is exactly why she needs the class.  We’ll stick it out.

The class continued.  They did a circuit course and the kids seemed to be having a lot of fun hitting bags with their noodle sticks as they ran around the course.  My daughter walked and gently touched the bags with her stick.  She stops by my seat and I ask her if she’d like to come to the class again.  The moment I asked the question, I regretted it because I thought I knew what her answer would be.  But she surprised me with a “Yes”.

They formed two teams and had a relay race rolling a ball from one end of the dojo and back.  First time around, my daughter rolled the ball.  Midway, she seemed to realize it was a race.  Second time around when she was handed the ball, she began to bawl “but I’m not winning” and refused to take her turn.

The class ended and each kid received a tiny bucket of skittles.  The sensei praised her efforts on her first day and I told her how well she rolled the ball.

At the end of the class, I realized exactly what I want her to get from Karate.

• Speaking up and yelling when she needs to
• Ability to follow directions without excessive handholding
• Some competitive drive tempered with good sportsmanship

We have since returned for our second class.  She excitedly told her dad when she got home sporting her new Karate outfit, “Daddy, I did not cry”.  She did not.  There were only two kids in the class and she got more coaching on the moves.  She also practiced some yelling - it took several tries for the sensei to hear her.  As she works on her yelling one decibel at a time, I wonder if I’ll be worrying in future about her yelling too much.