Womze - Cross Cultural Parenting

Practice is the act of rehearsing a behavior over and over, or engaging in an activity again and again, for the purpose of improving or mastering it
- from wikipedia

When I tried to enroll my daughter in a karate school closer to home and the owner wouldn’t let us pay for one day a week, I was upset but I could see his point.  According to him, if once a week is all the karate practice she gets, then she’ll never be great at the sport.  We ended up not enrolling for other reasons, but as I consider the slow progress my daughter has been making at swimming, the karate instructor’s words come back to mind.

One thirty minute class per week is just enough to receive the instructions.  Additional time needs to be set aside for practice, to put the instructions into action.  But there, we’ve been lacking.  So I decided to tackle the obstruction to practice head-on.

Major obstruction to practice is that I cannot swim.  Therefore, I cannot take her to the pool to swim.  Therefore I depend on class schedules for her to get her practice.  And paying for additional classes would be well, costlier.

So I hope to come back sometime soon with an update saying how well I can now swim and how my daughter and Baby Brother have become good swimmers due to tons of practice opportunity.

In the meantime, I have to deal with my swim lesson challenges.  I had intended to take adult swim classes last summer until I found out that our rec center has no weekday evening classes.  Only Saturday classes were available but child care was unavailable during the weekend (a necessity given hubby’s schedule).  So I waited till Fall.  And evening weekday classes were available but the kids room closed 10 minutes before the class was over.  So I decided that come next summer (this one), I would pay for private classes at my (and the kid’s room) convenience.

So far, I’ve had one class.  No miracle happened.  Today was supposed to be my second class and I was running incredibly late.  As soon as I got the kids settled in the kids room, I rushed to change and shower and headed to the pool area where I saw a large crowd.  It appeared a competition (swim meet) was taking place in an adjoining pool.  My instructor was ready.  And so was I.  But I looked over at the rows of benches where proud parents were sitting watching their kids in competition, trying to scan the faces and see if I recognized any.  I couldn’t because they were too far away but nonetheless, I became alarmed.  “I can’t be a side attraction!”

I promised to be back next week, and now I wonder if I’m getting enough practice myself.  Wouldn’t it be ironic if I get stuck in the same issue I’m trying to solve?

I’ve been waiting for some free time to write down the many posts that I compose in my head as events unfold.  The posts that I later forget because I never even jotted the thoughts down.  Some free time to try my hands at writing a story.  Some free time to do the myriad of things I think I want to do.  Even some free time to think about what I want to do.  But there is no free time, so what’s the point of waiting.  As of today, I will just post daily…despite all the conflicting demands for my time.  But why add more conflict?

This is not based on objective research, but I have decided that Blogging makes me a better parent.

Perhaps that is not so, but I strongly believe that writing makes me a better parent.  Blogging just happens to be one outlet for the writing.  Because writing makes me concious of decisions I’m making, makes me observe my children more closely, makes me more aware of the cause and effect when it comes to my children’s behavior and helps me quickly identify when to change the course of my actions.

I am not talking about you.  Writing perhaps has no effect on your parenting quality.  And there are tons of great parents out there who probably never put a jot on paper.  But I’m talking about ME.  Writing is good for me and good for my kids.

And if this is the case, why not do it more?  Exactly right!  That’s what I plan to do.  Even though there is no time.  I intend to take some of the no time, everyday, and do some writing.  Blogging.  Because I can do that in a dark room, while laying down.  That’s one of the advantages.

One post per day is the goal for the month of July.  If I can keep that up for a month, it should become a habit.  Right?  After all, someone (where did I read that?) said it takes 21 days for an action to become a habit.

I put that to the test about two months ago.  I bribed (yes, bribed) my 6 year old daughter to sleep in her room all night.  Seven consecutive nights earned her a trip to Cold Stone Creamery.  A cheap bribe.  Even though she doesn’t like ice-cream much, she liked the act of going out to buy it enough that the bribe worked.  The second set of seven consecutive nights in her room earned her a trip to a used book store (another cheap bribe).  It worked.  I didn’t need to offer any bribes the 3rd week as she just headed to her room every night without any protest, and stayed there all night.  So all it took was 14 nights.  (I know this is kind of lame…6, actually six and a half year daughter not sleeping on her own…it’s been an up and down battle.)

So, back to one post per day.  For a whole month.  Then we’ll take it from there.

After a more-than-six-month hiatus from Karate, I’m trying to get Darling Angel back on track.  Unfortunately, the school she used to go to is no longer as logistically convenient as it used to be.  When it was across the street from the daycare I used to pick Darling Angel up from after work, going there was a no-brainer.  Now, it would require some commitment.

Fortunately, there’s another school that lies somewhere along the path between Darling Angel’s school and home.  That’s convenient, I thought.  I love convenient.  And after several months of thinking that thought, I eventually stopped over last week.  (It’s been extremely cold for most of those several months)

We got a tour of the facility.  Fine.  Then we got to the fees.  Ouch!

It wasn’t terribly more expensive, but they don’t let you pay for one day per week.  You have to pay for the full 3 days per week and come as often as you wish.  We used to pay for one day per week at the previous school.

“You can’t get good at anything you only practice one day a week”, said the owner.  I know that, but I am kind of okay with just being ’so so’ at karate.  My main goal is to get the side benefits (confidence etc) with proficiency in the art as an add-on.  I know…I’ve got it in reverse, but I’m fine with that.

I also started to think of the other activities we need to fit in somewhere.  We need to get on top of swimming.  Room for homework must not be compromised.  “Three days a week?” I asked the instructor.  “I’m not sure we’re ready for that level of commitment.” 

“Then perhaps this is not for you”,  he responded.

Perhaps he’s right.

But I put in a little bit of effort.  And suggested my daughter try out a class.  Then I learned one more thing that makes me hesitate.  Parents are not allowed to watch!

I left with my doubts.  So I talked to a colleague who’s son is a black-belter and she’s had experience with a number of karate schools.  She told me it wasn’t uncommon for parents not to be allowed in the room, but should be allowed to watch through a window.  She told me she always watched when her son was that young.  Darling Angel is six years old.  I can’t depend 100% on her judgement of the class.  I need to be able to make an independent judgement.

When we turn up for the trial class, I tell the owner that I intend to watch.  “No!”  “That’s my rule.  No!”  Then, “What part of NO don’t you understand?”  I wonder if being a former national champion explains the arrogance.

Darling Angel has taken the trial class.  But I am none the wiser.  Of course, she didn’t think the class was great as she was probably the least competent in class.  I tell her that it takes time to come up to speed and we should try it for a month to see if she likes it more.  She agrees, but I still wonder if this is the right school for her.  I don’t think so.

Darling Angel is not a karate person.  It’s something her dad and I are foistering on her to roughen her soft edges just a little.  So I don’t think she needs it multiple times a week.  I doubt if martial art competence is something she would desire.  When she does, commiting to a serious class schedule makes sense.  And I remain completely uncomfortable with the idea of not being able to watch her in class.  The fact that it is absolutely ruled out just makes me uncomfortable.

I think it’s time to reconsider the less logistically convenient option.

Last weekend, I took the kids to watch Nick Jr Storytime show.  There were four shows, Ni Hao Kailan, Backyardigans, Wonder Pets and Dora the Explorer - all moderated by Moose A. Moose.

I could barely wait for the show because I couldn’t wait to see Baby Brother’s excitement when the Backyardigans came on stage.  Whenever the show comes on the TV, he never fails to jump up and stump around in a frenzy along with their music.  I had prepared myself to spend some energy restraining him when he sees his favorite characters.

Reality was a little bit different.  He watched the characters with studious concentration.  Every now and then, he would point out to me who they were (in case I didn’t get it).  “That’s Tasha.”  “That’s Uniqua.”  He was pretty calm.  But obviously enjoying himself.

On our way home, he told me, “Dora and Boots, awetsome!”  It was cute how he said.  And made me feel that every penny spent watching the show was worth it.

What I did not anticipate was the continuing effects of the show.  Since the show, Baby Brother has been initiating a lot of role playing with his big sister.  And not just with characters that were in the show.  He would tell her, “I’ll be Boots, you be Dora”, “I’ll be Tigger, you be Pooh”, “I’ll be Hoho, you be Ni hao”.

I started to wonder what about the show sparked this new-found interest in role-playing.  He has been to watch Stellaluna and he’s also watched Disney-on-ice Let’s celebrate.  Neither of the previous shows encouraged him to role play the way he’s doing now.

After giving it some thought, my theory is as follows:

• Stellaluna was not a familiar character at the time he watched it.  He just accepted what he saw on stage.
• Disney-on-ice characters were extremely realistic.  Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse looked the same as they do on TV.  Baby Brother was extremely excited at the time to see beloved TV characters.
• Nick Jr Storytime characters were less realistic.  They were obviously people in costumes.  In the case of Wonder Pets, they were people operating puppets.  Darling Angel complained to me at length when we got home that all the characters sounded different than they do on TV, and they were just wearing costumes, and some character had a girls voice instead of a boy’s voice etc etc.  (She insisted she enjoyed the show despite these observations).

Before buying tickets for the show, I had read a few reviews online.  The majority were positive but a few people complained about some of the costumes not being realistic enough.  Apparently, this is not a negative, but an opportunity to teach the kids what ‘role-playing’ means.  It helps them break the assumption that these characters climbed out of the TV screen to spend an evening on stage entertaining them.  And that is a great thing.

 According to this paper by Doris Bergen, high quality role play or pretend play in children is linked cognitive development, social and linguistic competence and academic skill development.  The paper concluded,

In sum, there is a growing body of evidence supporting the many connections between cognitive competence and high-quality pretend play. If children lack opportunities to experience such play, their long-term capacities related to metacognition, problem solving, and social cognition, as well as to academic areas such as literacy, mathematics, and science, may be diminished. These complex and multidimensional skills involving many areas of the brain are most likely to thrive in an atmosphere rich in high-quality pretend play.

If you need one more justification to take your kids to watch live theater, think about that.

I feel like a fraud writing this post under the potty training label, but for consistency sake, I’ll leave it as-is.  I feel like a fraud because I am obviously not potty-training anyone at the moment.  I hoped to, I tried to, and I’ve decided to pick my battles.  And potty-training is not one of them.  So, what I’m saying in short is, Baby Brother still exhibits no sign of potty progress.

Actually, that statement is wrong.  Every now and then, when we’re hurriedly getting ready for our day, he would declare, “I want potty!”  That statement no longer gets my hopes up.  But I’ve also made a decision not to bar him from trying - even when when we’re running late. 

“I want potty!”, he would say once I get his pajamas and diaper off.  He would setup his toilet seat, position his step stool and maneuver himself unto the toilet seat.  Then he would demand, “Book!”

I’ll get him a book, he would flip through to the end, then declare, “Done!”

I’ll look in the toilet, knowing there’d be nothing, but hoping there’d be something.

I’ll tell him what I always tell him after these episodes.  “Potty is for poopoo and peepee, ok?”  “OK”, he would reply.

But the following day, the same scenario plays out.  And I suspect that the boy knows exactly what he is doing.  So, I’ve got no strategy other than wait for him to decide that he is ready to go.

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know, it’s already March and I’m just writing my first post of 2010.  There’s been a hundred and one things I’ve wanted to write about, but I just didn’t get around to writing.  Nor did I get around to doing a lot of other things I should have been doing.  Which caused me to tell myself that I should not even think about posting to the blog while my closet remained disorganized, outgrown clothes needed to be cleaned out from my children’s wardrobes and donated to charity, some art work on canvas I had bought (I’m shamed to confess, 4 years ago) remained unframed…and the list goes on.  Other moms who regularly post to their blogs have a better handle on their lives, I’ve concluded.  And until I get that handle on mine, don’t even try to be like them.

So I slept instead.  And the more I slept, the more tired I felt.  Absolutely no motivation to do anything.  “Swim classes, no way”,  I told my daughter.  “I’m not punishing myself this year.  Rushing out early on a frigid Saturday morning to get to swim class.  We’ll wait till Spring.”  Somehow, I’ve cut out all activities.  But yet, I can’t find the time to complete the tasks those activities took me away from.  Sleep has taken over my free time.  So what’s the point?

But now I think I realize my error.  Denying myself the outlet to blog is also draining my energy.  It’s totally counter-intuitive, but it’s what my experience speaks.  If I wasn’t writing this post at this minute, I would have sucumbed to tiredness instead.  But as I write, I feel no tiredness.  I feel awake.  I feel ready to take on an activity as soon as I’m done with this post.  Perhaps I’ll start with my bathroom closet.

As I drove home earlier this week, feeling drained after a really long meeting at work, I decided that we would have to skip swimming that night.  I just felt like enough is enough with all the running around, running late and we would just kick back and relax tonight.  My daughter was disappointed since this is her best activity (and I’m hoping that quickly translates into her picking up the skills we’re in class for).  But at the end of the day, I felt like my decision was definitely worth it.

After dinner and homework, instead of running out the door, we headed upstairs, changed clothes and both kids climbed into bed with me.  Hubby was out of town.  I enjoyed reading a magazine while the kids fooled around (doing what they do).  Then my newly turned 2-year old came over to see what I was reading.

“O!”, he pointed out a letter O on the cover page.  He knows his shapes and I’m wondering why and when he started calling a circle O.  “O! O! O!”, he repeated as he pointed out several Os on the page.  I smile at him in acknowledgement and continue to read when he begins a round of “A! A!”, pointing at the As on the page.  This got my attention.  I clapped in excitement.  Big sister scooted over to see what was going on.  Baby Brother, enjoying the attention showed her the Os and As.  Then, “E!”.  Even though he was pointing at an F, I was pretty impressed. 

This experience made staying home absolutely worth it and I felt shamed that I do not spend enough time with him.   At the same time, I am thankful that I have access to such great childcare.  Our neighbor who runs a home daycare does not just watch him, she puts a lot of effort and energy into teaching and she’s got incredible patience with the kids.  Thanks to her efforts, I’m seeing that Baby Brother is not just funny, he’s also very smart.  The week before, Hubby and I were shocked to discover that Baby Brother could count to 20.  He usually counted to 10 and we would all clap in celebration.  But this time, Hubby and I were busy and did not clap at 10.  When Baby Brother said “Eleven”, Hubby and I dropped what we were doing and listened in astonishment as we went to “Twenty”, at which time we went crazy with applause.  He looked so proud.

According to my 6 year old daughter, her Baby Brother is now transitioning from baby-toddler to toddler-baby as he turns 2.  She understands her reasoning even if I don’t, but what this meant was that we had our 2 year old well-child visit and the doctor gave us the go-ahead to begin potty training.  “Sometime between 2 and 3 is a good time to start”, she said.  The hand-out I was given said to watch out for the signs of readiness which include dry naps and grunting or straining after meals.  Hmm, I handn’t realized that grunting was one of the signs to watch out.  Grunting.

We got home and had dinner, after which Baby Brother proceeded to grunt.  “Do you want potty?”, I asked.  He ignored me.  Afterwards, the smell confirmed that he had pooped.  “Next time, you tell mommy you need potty.  Okay?”, I told him in a pleasant but matter-of-fact tone.  He looked like he understood.  Perhaps, it is indeed potty training time.  I allowed myself to hope.  I recall that recently, he has been telling me after he goes, at least, most of the time.  This is definitely an improvement on when he comfortably sat in his stink.  Hope.

The following day, we have dinner, he has post-dinner snack, he has milk, then changes into PJs and fresh diapers.  Then he begins to grunt.  Yes, he’s grunting, he’s ready for potty.  I intercede.  “Let’s go to the potty”, I put on a sweet voice.  “No!”, he barks at me.  At the same time grunting increases, he’s pushing and he does not like my interference.  “Potty.  You poopoo in potty.”, I’m getting firmer.  He gets more aggressive.  “NO!!”  This time his legs are shaking due to the magnitude of the job.  Then he’s done.

“Next time, you poopoo in potty.  Okay?”  He smiles at me.  His ordeal over, he becomes his pleasant self again.  I lead him into the bathroom where we get him out of his one piece PJ.  I extract the diaper.  I show him where the contents should go next time.  I ask if there’s more, if he wants to sit.  He shakes his head and tells me no.  I clean him up and grab a new diaper.  As I pick up the clean diaper, he shrieks, “potty”.  He decides to give the potty a try afterall.  He sits and he sings.  He looks very happy.  I wait, I sing with him, I wait.  But nothing.  “Get down?”, I ask.  He says no.  I walk out of the bathroom and he yells out, “done.”  I pick up the diaper and he scrambles back on the potty again, excitedly chanting “no no no.”  Ha!  I see his game plan - he thinks so long as he sits on the potty, he can remain butt-naked, a state he likes.

Enough of taunting this mom with potty hopes.  I grab him and strap a new diaper on him.  I’m done till he begins his next grunt.

I know Thanksgiving was last week and Cyber Monday is almost over.  But everyday is Thanksgiving, so Happy Thanksgiving to you.  I have so many things to be thankful for, but here is a very limited list - based on what I’ve got in my head at the moment, as opposed to deep, thoughtful introspection.

1. Two healthy and smart kids
2. Hubby and I in good health
3. And good jobs in a bad economy
4. Economy getting better
5. Improving finances and credit card elimination
6. My older daughter accepted into first grade, skipping kindergarten
7. Plus an excellent teacher and adjusting well to her new school (dispelling any concerns about being ‘pushed ahead’)
8. Our neighbor’s home daycare and her enthusiam for kids
9. Neighborly neighbors (it’s impressive when your neighbor rings your doorbell to give you a bag of his home-grown tomatoes)
10. Sitting for an exam that had intimated me and that I’ve found excuses to postpone for the past 2 years (and passing on my first try)

Now it’s time to prepare for Christmas…and a 6 year old birthday before then.