Womze – Cross Cultural Parenting

Did I push too hard too early?  I’ve fretted over my earlier attempts to potty train and quit in frustration, experiencing highs (”I think it’s about to happen”) and lows (”I was just fooling myself”) in the process.

Then it started to seem like there would be progress, but I couldn’t tell if it would be sustainable.  “I should log our progress”, I told myself.  But I’ve been bitten once too often.  (And I had fallen out of the writing habit anyway.)  And now, we’ve been at it for weeks, I know it is no false alarm.  Big Boy (who now takes offense at the ‘Baby Brother’ label) is getting potty trained.  You may notice I did write “IS potty trained”, but I’m just as excited and here’s the story.

Three weeks before Big Boy turns 3

I no longer have potty success illusions but that doesn’t stop me from wondering out loud, “you will be a big boy soon.  You will be 3 years old and should not wear diapers.”  He smiles for he is forever cheerful (and I wonder if he understands me) but Big Sister takes up the message.

“You are going to be three years old!  You can’t wear diapers anymore!!  3 year olds do not wear diapers!!!  You have to learn to use the potty!!!!”  Her voice rises in shrill cresendoes.  She sounds like a doomsday preacher.  Big Boy’s expression appear to be a combination of amusement and confusion.  The smile is still on his face, like a mask over his true feelings.

Two weeks before Big Boy turns 3

Big Sister has maintained a barrage of daily warnings over the consequences of turning 3 in diapers.  I have no idea if the message is being received, but I did develop a drive to give potty training one more shot.

Weekend in underpants

That weekend I put the diapers away and brought out the underpants.  I explained to Big Boy what we were doing.  He seemed excited to wear big boy underpants.  And he promptly peed in them.  Not what I was hoping for.  But I decided to stick with it – Big Sister continued to chant doomsday warning…3 is coming.

Thin ray of hope

I tried to encourage frequent visits to the potty but the boy resisted.  And he had more accidents.  But he seemed uncomfortable afterwards, remaining standing until I could pull of his absorbent sweatpants, clean him and put on another pair of absorbent sweatpants.  That was my first ray of hope.  Which motivated me to think of ways to capitalize on this…solidify the potty message.

Then came youtube

Perhaps we can find some fun potty training videos on youtube.  We clustered around my computer while I searched.  We watched the Japanese tiger boy.

We skipped from one video to another and ended watching funny videos that were not about potty training but about poop and stuff.   We all sang along with this one…

Big Boy and Big Sister thought they were hilarious.  They shrieked in excitement whenever they heard a fart. 

Then without any warning

…Big Boy gets up, goes to the bathroom, puts his potty seat up, pulls his pants down (while I’m restraining Big Sister from following his in to supervise) and we hear the sound of pee streaming down.  “He did it”, she screamed.  He looked pleased with himself too.  I tried to stay calm.  “I knew you could do it”, I told him trying to act like it wasn’t that big a deal.  I gave him a high five.  Then we all started to sing “It’s my potty and I’ll cry if I want to.”

The following day

He continued going peepee in the potty.

To daycare in pull-ups

That week, I sent him to daycare in underpants.  He had one week left at our neighbor’s home daycare (she’s shutting down and going back to school and work).  And he did good.  Perhaps two accidents during the week – impressive.  We learned that he doesn’t like to be watched while he goes peepee.

But where is the poopoo?

As Big Boy learned how to control his pee, he also put the brakes on the poop.  And after 5 days of restraints, I caught him slinking around behind the couch with a pained look on his face as he grunted.  “Potty?”  He shook his head and ran away.  And hid until he could relieve himself of the burden…into his underpants.

He continued this for the next two weeks (post 3).  Potty champion during the day, nighttime poop for mommy to clean.  “Buzz Lightyear is not happy.  He doesn’t like to be dirty.”  I told him this with a sad expression as I peeled off his character underpants.

New group daycare

I’ll skip the details but they recommended I put him back in pullups for an adjustment period before reintroducing underpants.  We did this for two weeks and I think it was a bad idea because he stopped asking to go potty – peepee in pullups was fair game.  So the next weekend, I put him back in underpants, accident-friendly sweatpants and we watched the youtube videos again.

And on Monday, I sent him to daycare in underpants and multiple change of clothings.  He asks to go potty, he agrees to go potty and he sometimes has accidents. 

As for the poop?

He still reserves that for mommy in the evenings but 50% of the time now, it goes in the potty.  When it does, he demands 3 reward stickers.  So, I’m very hopeful and that is where we stand.

After yesterday’s comment from my brother-in-law regarding Baby Brother’s diaper, Hubby stayed up all night (or so he tells me) thinking about it.  And this morning, he passed the Law.  “From today on, the boy shall wear underpants.  No more diapers!”

“Really?” I asked.  I explained how it wasn’t that easy and how much frustration I already felt.  But Hubby was confident.  “It will work”, he reassured me. 

“But you do the peepee mopping”, I negotiated.  He agreed.

So, I went out and bought big boy underpants.  I do want this to work.  But I remain skeptical.

Nothing to report yet.  Baby Brother is still not volunteering to go potty.  He likes his big boy underpants.  He peed in one.  We gave him another.  Then it was bedtime.  Back to diapers.  Here, I insisted.  Tomorrow, we shall try again.

Potty training has lost all its allure for me and I’ve resigned to life with diapers, confident that one day, Baby Brother will tell me, “Mommy, I don’t need diapers anymore.”  Of course, this happens before it is too late, I mean, before I am embarrassed that he’s wearing diapers. 

He has not uttered those words but I am beginning to wonder when to start putting the pressure on.  Three years old?  Three and half, four?  When?  Or now???

Last Sunday in church, I took Baby Brother into the bathroom to change his diaper.  Some women from the almost all-Nigerian congregation saw me changing his diaper.  “He still wears diapers?”, one quizzed.  She looked puzzled.

“Yes”, I nodded.

Lady #2 gave her a reassuring look.  “I’m sure it’s just for outings.  I bet he doesn’t wear diapers at home.”

“He does”, I said defiantly.

Lady #2 says, “Nooo, you’re kidding.”

“24/7″, I respond.

I felt no shame.  The boy has defied all potty training attempts and I either accept that or get frustrated.  I’m comfortable with my choice…zero frustration.

But I got home and wondered, is it time to try again?

Then this evening, hubby shared a conversation he had with his brother in Nigeria.  He was telling his brother how proud he was of his Darling Angel.  She got her brother ready for bedtime last weekend and even changed his wet diaper.  (I could barely believe she did that too.)

Brother-in-law was shocked and asked incredulously, “He still wears diapers?!”

I feel like a fraud writing this post under the potty training label, but for consistency sake, I’ll leave it as-is.  I feel like a fraud because I am obviously not potty-training anyone at the moment.  I hoped to, I tried to, and I’ve decided to pick my battles.  And potty-training is not one of them.  So, what I’m saying in short is, Baby Brother still exhibits no sign of potty progress.

Actually, that statement is wrong.  Every now and then, when we’re hurriedly getting ready for our day, he would declare, “I want potty!”  That statement no longer gets my hopes up.  But I’ve also made a decision not to bar him from trying – even when when we’re running late. 

“I want potty!”, he would say once I get his pajamas and diaper off.  He would setup his toilet seat, position his step stool and maneuver himself unto the toilet seat.  Then he would demand, “Book!”

I’ll get him a book, he would flip through to the end, then declare, “Done!”

I’ll look in the toilet, knowing there’d be nothing, but hoping there’d be something.

I’ll tell him what I always tell him after these episodes.  “Potty is for poopoo and peepee, ok?”  “OK”, he would reply.

But the following day, the same scenario plays out.  And I suspect that the boy knows exactly what he is doing.  So, I’ve got no strategy other than wait for him to decide that he is ready to go.

According to my 6 year old daughter, her Baby Brother is now transitioning from baby-toddler to toddler-baby as he turns 2.  She understands her reasoning even if I don’t, but what this meant was that we had our 2 year old well-child visit and the doctor gave us the go-ahead to begin potty training.  “Sometime between 2 and 3 is a good time to start”, she said.  The hand-out I was given said to watch out for the signs of readiness which include dry naps and grunting or straining after meals.  Hmm, I handn’t realized that grunting was one of the signs to watch out.  Grunting.

We got home and had dinner, after which Baby Brother proceeded to grunt.  “Do you want potty?”, I asked.  He ignored me.  Afterwards, the smell confirmed that he had pooped.  “Next time, you tell mommy you need potty.  Okay?”, I told him in a pleasant but matter-of-fact tone.  He looked like he understood.  Perhaps, it is indeed potty training time.  I allowed myself to hope.  I recall that recently, he has been telling me after he goes, at least, most of the time.  This is definitely an improvement on when he comfortably sat in his stink.  Hope.

The following day, we have dinner, he has post-dinner snack, he has milk, then changes into PJs and fresh diapers.  Then he begins to grunt.  Yes, he’s grunting, he’s ready for potty.  I intercede.  “Let’s go to the potty”, I put on a sweet voice.  “No!”, he barks at me.  At the same time grunting increases, he’s pushing and he does not like my interference.  “Potty.  You poopoo in potty.”, I’m getting firmer.  He gets more aggressive.  “NO!!”  This time his legs are shaking due to the magnitude of the job.  Then he’s done.

“Next time, you poopoo in potty.  Okay?”  He smiles at me.  His ordeal over, he becomes his pleasant self again.  I lead him into the bathroom where we get him out of his one piece PJ.  I extract the diaper.  I show him where the contents should go next time.  I ask if there’s more, if he wants to sit.  He shakes his head and tells me no.  I clean him up and grab a new diaper.  As I pick up the clean diaper, he shrieks, “potty”.  He decides to give the potty a try afterall.  He sits and he sings.  He looks very happy.  I wait, I sing with him, I wait.  But nothing.  “Get down?”, I ask.  He says no.  I walk out of the bathroom and he yells out, “done.”  I pick up the diaper and he scrambles back on the potty again, excitedly chanting “no no no.”  Ha!  I see his game plan – he thinks so long as he sits on the potty, he can remain butt-naked, a state he likes.

Enough of taunting this mom with potty hopes.  I grab him and strap a new diaper on him.  I’m done till he begins his next grunt.

My baby is almost two…I can’t imagine how time flies.  And I can’t believe how uninterested I’ve become in the whole potty training thing.  I was once eager and full of hope for a future devoid of poopy diapers.  That hope has turned into non-chalance.  Whenever.  I don’t care.  [Is this what happens to you when you attempt to potty train a child that is not ready?  Or when you think success with one child had something to do with your training ability?]

But Baby Brother has now decided that it is time to aggravate his pottied-out mom.  When it’s time to give him a bath in the morning, he calls out “Potty.  Potty.”  With a look of determination on his face, he gets his potty seat, places it on the toilet, positions his step stool so he his able to step up and then calls for help in getting off his diaper.  I feel like telling him “No potty.  No!”  But Hope whispers and tells me, “maybe today is the day.” 

I help him sit, while watching the time.  We should be taking advantage of every minute to get ready and get out.  We don’t have time to waste sitting on the potty doing nothing.  “Book”, he requests while holding out a hand.  I call out to his big sister to get him a book.  He babbles happily as he flips through the pages.  When he’s satisfied, he calls out “Done.”  He looks very happy.  But Hope had lied.  I talk to him like he’s a big boy.  I tell him that the potty is for real business, not reading books.  He smiles at me in a mommy-just-doesn’t-get-it way.  Precious minutes have been wasted.

We finish getting ready and on our way to the door, a message is delivered to my nose…something stinks.

At 15 months, Baby Brother started potty training in earnest.  The decision to begin was mostly driven by the desire of the lady who watches him (I’ll call her Ann).  Ann was new to home childcare, was full of enthusiasm and couldn’t wait to get the little boys (hers and mine) out of diapers.  This desire sat very well with my own philosophy.  Darling Angel started potty training at 9 months and by 11 months would tell me if she needed to poop.  Even though progress slid in later months, looking back now, it was still a huge success.

“Boys are harder to train”, people told me whenever I shared my previous potty training success.  I refused to listen to stereotypes, but gradually I began to accept it.  Afterall, this boy seemed a lot more comfortable in his mess than his sister did.  He also didn’t have a routine like his sister did.  Nor did he give off any indication of oncoming business – he did is his business without pausing whatever activity he was involved in.  When Ann asked me whether I minded having my son potty trained, I said “go for it”.  And at home, I dug out Darling Angels trusty Little Potty.

It turned out that he likes to sit on the potty.  He also likes to get up and run around like he’s discovered some new found freedom, running around butt naked.  And in the short time since we started potty training, we have had our fair share of incidents (within minutes, heck, seconds of getting off the potty).

Why won’t he sit patiently on the potty until he’s completed his business?

I have been presented with two opposing ideas.  One is that he’s potty training too early, the other is that he’s potty training too late.

Too early
“It is physiologically impossible to potty train boys this early”, a colleague explained to me.  “Both boys and girls need to be old enough to understand what you’re trying to accomplish”, another chimed in.  A child should be potty trained when the child is ready, willing and interested.  Once a child is ready to be potty trained, the process is effortless and can be completed within a week.  To force potty training on a child that is not ready is to incur headaches on oneself. 

Too late
I talked to my sister in Nigeria.  My nephew is just over 9 months old, so I ask when my sister plans to begin potty training.  “He’s not really potty trained yet”, she started to say doubtfully.  “I just put him on the potty every morning and he sits there until he poops.”  She explained that he also goes on the potty at his daycare.  I’m astounded to learn that he does his business in the potty every morning, after all, he’s a hard-to-potty-train-boy.  I share how unsuccessful we’ve been with Baby Brother because he gets up and runs around.  My nephew can’t walk yet, so there is no running around.

“That’s it!”  I say.  I needed to have started early enough to control the sitting on the potty.

My very Nigerian aunt reinforced this idea when I later shared our potty training challenges with her.  “Perhaps you didn’t start early enough?”, she asked, trying to identify the root cause of those challenges.

The solution?
Since I already missed the “early enough” potty training window, I will plan to catch the “late enough” window as early as possible.  In the meantime, since the potty is already out of storage, we will continue to use it as long as Baby Brother is happy to use sit on it.  And maybe, just maybe I will be surprised and potty training will just happen.

I’m writing this post for Children’s Classics Carnival.

My daughter was 2.5 years old, and after several ups and downs with potty training I was at my wits end. I was impatient to be rid of diapers (or pull-ups as they are called) and my impatience may have led to an undesirable consequence – my daughter felt really terrible whenever she had an accident. I did celebrate successful potty visits but I may have pulled one too many long faces while mopping the floor from an accident that my daughter began to think she was better off in pull-ups. Splurging on pretty pants did not help as she pointed out the equally beautiful designs on her ‘big kid diaper’.

Pondering how to fix the situation, I took a trip to Barnes and Noble and browsed through the children’s books section, hoping to find a good potty book. And that’s how “A Potty for Me!: A Lift-the-flap Instruction Manual ” by Karen Katz came into our lives.

My daughter thorougly loved it and soon memorized the entire book. “Mommy, get my book”, she would call as she excitedly ran into the bathroom and plopped herself on the potty. I would turn the pages while she recited the words. However, whenever it got to the point where the character had an accident, my daughter would prompt me to read the part that goes “But mommy says that’s okay”. Hearing that seemed to give her comfort. I could tell that she identified with the characte and together, they learned that it was okay to have an accident. And as she learned that it was okay to have an accident, she had less of it. A lot less and at last, we got rid of the pull-ups.

Whatever mistakes I may have made while potty training, “A potty for me” remedied it and it got my daughter over that last hump to big kids pants. Other than that, the illustrations in the book were delightful and my daughter loved turning the flap. It’s hard cover and the inside pages were durable enough to withstand daily trips to the potty.

I couldn’t hold on to the book for long as it was too good to keep. I passed it on to a former colleague who was also trying to potty train her daughter, and I hope she found similar success with it.