One too many negative feedback
As parents, we need to beware of the danger of too much negative feedback. It’s so easy to provide immediate feedback when your child does something wrong while staying silent when they do things right. It is so important to provide positive feedback to your child and enough of it so that when the time comes for the negative feedback, that won’t be the only feedback they’re receiving from you.
Personalities of our children vary and some children may be more susceptible than others. You know your child best and should pay attention to what they are hearing from you. Is it helping the child build self confidence or destroying it? Is it making them better at what they’re doing or is it making them afraid to try?
I thought I was doing okay in this department but I just realized how very easy it is to fail. “Remind me to get that CD out of the trunk”, I told my 6 year old daughter as we drove to church. I had cleaned out a lot of junk (CDs included) from the car and dumped them in the trunk for later sorting. And Baby Brother seemed to be whining for the Backyardigans CD.
On our way back home, I remembered. “You didn’t remind me to get that CD out”. Silence. Then I glance back and see tears streaming down her eyes. Alarmed, I ask, “What’s the matter?”
“I’m always forgetting things”, she lamented. She’s blaming herself for something that is so obviously my fault. But then, I transferred that blame to her without thinking. I felt so awful. What kind of mother am I? While this incident was completely trivial, I couldn’t help recalling all the times I had just casually dinged her for forgetting something. “Didn’t I ask you to change into your nightie?”, “You forgot your sweater in class again?”, “I thought I asked you to get a book for your brother?”, “What did I tell you about leaving your shoes in the living room?” etc. And when she tries to blame me for forgetting something e.g. “Mommy, you forgot to give me a snack today”, I throw it right back, “Well, you should have remembered to ask me.” Terrible.
Some of the feedback she had received was clearly warranted. She needs to remember to put her shoes away and not leave them lying anywhere. And when it’s bedtime, she needs to change to her nightie instead of staying glued to the TV. But she also needs a praise for the times she’s doing great. And she does get some but I have to admit that the negative feedback overwhelms it. Which is unfair because she’s a really great kid and 95% of the time, she is doing just great. And I take it for granted. I shouldn’t.
In the car, I tried to play catch up on the praise side. I reminded her of all the times she’s remembered to tell me what she needs to take to school, she’s hardly ever forgets to pass on her teacher’s instructions, she remembers to put on her seat belt, she remembers rules, she remembers her spellings and how to do her math. She remembers stuff from years ago, she amazes when she narrates incidents that happened when she was three or four years old. She’s got an amazing memory and I reminded her of that. I also reminded her of all the times that I forgot things and she had to remind me. I reminded her that I also forgot about the CD. Everybody forgets somethings sometimes, I explained. By now, she no longer appears upset.
And I’ve learned a valuable lesson in the process.
